I always thought I would fall pregnant so easily. [‘Be fruitful and multiply’ seemed one of the most obvious and easily obeyed commandments.] Dan and I wanted lots of kids and wanted to start a family early on in our marriage. Dates are important to me, so I recorded the date 14 Feb 2009 as the day we started trying to have a family. I had actually made the decision before we even started that I wouldn’t get upset if it took a year. I had seen so many of my friends become consumed with falling pregnant, and I suppose I wanted to ensure I was guarding my heart.
But then a year came and went—and then two years. It was then that I really started to get discouraged. I kept myself busy with planting a church and throwing myself into the call of God—which is great—yet I still wasn’t able to bury the deep ache that I carried around with me night after night when my day’s responsibilities were completed. I was grateful for a happy marriage and thankful that I lived with daily purpose but there was still a missing part of who I was meant to be: a mother. This was a longing that work and other relationships just couldn’t fill.
When we hit the 5 year mark of still trying to have children, that was the darkest time for me—though at that time I had no idea that this was only the halfway point. I was filled with hopelessness to the point where I didn’t want to pray anymore. I didn’t want to believe anymore—I didn’t want to face the world. I didn’t want to face another day of grief. It was a dark time where I had given in to believing a myriad of lies. I will never be a mom. I will never have children. And, even worse: God doesn’t want this for me. My God is a God that doesn’t care. He doesn’t give you the desires of your heart but only wants you to serve Him.
I deeply identified with Hannah in the book of 1 Samuel, she is described as being tormented and downhearted. She wept much and had deep bitterness of soul. She felt forgotten and experienced grief year in and year out. In the past 10 years I, too, have been overcome with sadness and felt [that me and my deep desire for children was abandoned or forgotten by God.]
I would go to the doctors to continue to run tests and checks to try to get to the root of what may have been wrong. Yet, every time I went, they would shrug their shoulders and say, There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your reproductive system, and there’s nothing wrong with your husband’s either. While this should have been good news, I was so frustrated that there was nothing tangible for me to fix. There simply was no explanation for the turmoil I felt and the consistent disappointment. I couldn’t control this, and I couldn’t make something happen—I just had to trust God and His timing.
I remember a moment when I was crying out to God: When Lord? How long Lord must I wait? I felt God say, Trust me. I replied back to him, I do! Just tell me when! And He said, Trusting me should be enough for you…
It was a 10-year battle—a 10-year faith journey—to hold on to the voice of God and believe His Word when I was journeying through the dark. I would lie in bed night after night reading hundreds of notes that I had recorded of dreams and prophetic words and scriptures that encouraged me. I would fight the tears and resolve in my heart that I would choose to believe that God will make me a happy mother of children as God had promised me in Psalm 113:9: He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Every year on the 11th of July, God would remind me of this scripture and I would record it in my bible. I kept these promises close and utilized them to silence the voices of doubt that would constantly come at me.
Fast forward 5 years later. I moved into my new home in the summer and the landlord set the date of move in to the 11th July 2019. At this point, I was pregnant with twins and God fulfilled his promise to me that He would settle me in my home as a happy mother of children. It was astonishingly clear to me in that moment that He knows the end from the beginning and was faithful to remind me year after year of what He would do. Even through the times that I had lost my faith, He was faithful.
On the 14th Feb 2019 exactly 10 years to the day, I conceived our twins, Rocco & Riah. People would always tell me that God’s timing is perfect, but I learned firsthand that it is truly meticulously calculated and beautiful. There is so much more about my testimony that I could share—my story is very layered. There was so much wisdom I gleaned from the 10 years I spent digging deep in God, and there were so many lessons learned and mistakes made.
Sharing this wisdom (both the lessons and the mistakes) is the reason I started this website. This work comes as a response to the countless messages I’ve received from women who have heard my story and are desperate to receive hope for their future. I want to fill this website with hope stories, testimonies of God’s goodness, podcasts that are both informative and balanced from trusted doctors and people who have walked your journey, and so much more. I aim to be an understanding voice, offering insights from the perspective of someone that has been where you have been and that has walked this road of suffering and can encourage you on your journey.
Thank you for trusting me to walk with you, and I look forward to the testimonies of peace, hope and breakthrough that are to come as we walk in this together.